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Mom and me versus you and Dad.
- Long. - That looked pretty good.
- It was out. - It did look good.
- Frank, it was out. - It's my call. Out.
If you can, try and hit it at your mother's backhand.
- It's pretty weak. - Got it.
- Yes! - Don't gloat, Walt.
Five games to three, us.
- Fuck! Come on, Bernard. - Bernard, don't curse.
I'm cursing at myself.
- Nice shot. - Thanks.
- Walt, watch out. - It's part of the game.
Fifteen-love.
Joan, I'm sorry. It was an accident.
You gotta get a second serve.
Frank.
Did you just put that peanut up your nose?
Cashew. Yes.
Pickle, that is such an idiotic, stupid thing to do.
No, it's out. I got it.
We're reading A Tale of Two Cities in English. Is that any good?
It's minor Dickens. Popular in schools.
But I think David Copperfield or Great Expectations is much richer.
What is it about high school that you read...
...all the worst books by good writers?
You should read it and see what you think of it.
I don't wanna waste my time.
What are you doing?
Just fixing up the couch.
- Did you sleep there? - Yeah, our bed is hurting my back.
Isn't the couch worse than the bed? For backs?
No. This is better.
When does Mom's story come out in the magazine?
It's not a magazine. It's a literary journal.
Next month, I think.
It'll be weird having two writers as parents.
Yeah, well, Dad influenced her. She never wrote before she met him.
I haven't read any of Dad's books.
I've looked at them. They're great. Very dense.
He needs a new agent. It's been too long.
The publishing world isn't receptive always to real literary talent.
Maybe Mom will be famous instead.
- No, Dad's the writer. - Maybe Mom's better.
That's way off base, Frank. That's way off base.
Ivan hit with Arthur Ashe once.
Wasn't he ranked, like, 402 or something?
Lvan could've been a champ if he hadn't hurt his knee.
Okay, my brother, let's see some groundstrokes.
You gotta ease up, my brother.
Jimmy Connors hits as hard as he can...
...but we can't all get away with that, right?
All right, let's see the backhand.
Two hands. Two hands. Hey, my brother.
Who taught you these junkyard strokes?
My Dad. He's self-taught.
I heard that. Hey, Bernard.
You teaching my brother here these junkyard chip shots?
A one-handed backhand is an elegant stroke.
My brother here doesn't want a weak chip shot for a backhand.
- I don't care. - It's McEnroe's stroke.
He's the master of the chip game.
- All right, fellas, that's it for today. - Ivan, you wanna hit a little?
I got a few minutes.
Frank, you and Carl hang out. Give me your racquet.
- Are you interested in any arts? - I wouldn't mind being a pro.
It's very hard to be a professional player.
As good as even lvan is, he's not in a league with McEnroe or Connors.
Oh, I don't mean a pro like that.
I mean, like a pro at the bubble. Like lvan.
You don't wanna be a pro.
I'm sure I've lost my parking space. We're gonna have to drive around.
- Can you drop me off? - No.
I picked you up, the least you can do is ride around with me.
Terrific, honeys.
- Walt, did you write that song? - Yes.
- Frank had some good ideas too. - Very dense. Very interesting.
Yeah. I signed up for the talent thing they have at school.
Great. Just make sure you practice a lot.
Mom, I'll be fine.
Remember, you'll be in front of a lot of people.
- Don't ruin the whole thing for me. - You'll win.
If you don't, something's wrong with them.
Which is probably the case, actually. People can be very stupid.
I'll get it.
Walt, you wanna come to my class tomorrow after school?
- Yeah. - Could I come?
You have tennis. You're gonna be doing that, which is its own thing.
- Look how young Dad looks. - That's funny. Dad, can I have this?
- Okay. - Would you write something in it?
Thanks.
"I absorb sex indiscriminately, numb and impartial.
I suck men of their interiors.
A fuck that unites John, Dan, Scott, whomever...
...in the popular lust and paternal hunt for my possession.
He was a large man, though his arms were thin.
The upper part soft, but not fleshy. Like a young woman's.
He had long, delicate fingers and plump palms similar to a raccoon's.
With finesse, he plied the meat from a crab claw...
...and sucked oysters from their shells."
She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy.
I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy.
Lili has her influences in postmodern literature, a bit derivative of Kafka.
But for a student, very racy.
- Did you get that it was her cunt? - Oh, yeah.
- Did you like it? - Yeah. A lot.
You'd like Kafka, one of my predecessors.
- Particularly The Metamorphosis. - Metamorphosis?
No fucking spaces.
- I'll keep you company while we look. - Thank you.
Dad, what were your wives like before Mom?
"Wife," really. The first one was annulled.
- I was 19. - What was she like?
- The annulled one? - No, the one you'd call a wife.
Difficult.
That's Mom.
Yeah, that's Mom.
What was she wearing?
No, I guess I've seen that before.
What are you writing?
I'm working on the Peugeot story.
Did you take my note about the ending?
- Some of it. - Does he still die?
- Yeah. - Then you didn't take my note.
Boys, make sure you come home right after school.
- Why? - We're having a family conference.
- What's that? - A talk. Just come home.
- What about? - We'll go over it tonight.
- Can't you give us a hint? - No, just... Tonight.
We'll go... Everything... We'll go over it tonight.
Just waiting for your mother.
- Mom. - Sorry.
- Okay. - Okay. All set?
Yes.
Okay.
Your mom and I...
Okay, yeah. Mom and I are going...
We're going to separate.
You're not gonna be leaving either of us.
We're gonna have joint custody. Frank, it's okay.
I've got an elegant new house across the park.
Across the park?
- Is that even Brooklyn? - It's only five stops on the subway.
It's an elegant block. The fillet of the neighborhood.
- We'll have a Ping-Pong table. - I don't play Ping-Pong.
- We'll both see you equally. - How?
- We're splitting up the week. - Why?
I love you. I wanna see you as much as your mom does.
- But there's seven days. - Right.
How will you split evenly with seven days?
I've got you Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday and every other Thursday.
- Every other? - That's how we each have you equally.
That was your father's idea.
- Don't do this. - How will we get to school?
There's a subway four blocks from the house.
Four or five. No more than six blocks.
And what about the cat?
- Shit, the cat. - We didn't discuss the cat.
Your father will pick him up on those days when you switch houses.
I'll drive here two more times a week?
You got a place on the other side of the park.
If it was near here, it wouldn't be a problem.
This neighborhood got expensive. It's painful...
...for me to stay in this neighborhood. Don't be difficult. I feel banished.
Oh, Pickle.
- Dad, what will happen with the cat? - We'll figure something out.
Is it because Dad isn't as successful as he used to be?
Now that you're publishing and he isn't, is that it?
- That's not nice to say. - This is a great family.
Why are you screwing it up?
- Lf we could avoid it, I would. - Why now?
- You've been together 16 years. - Seventeen.
I can't imagine living like this.
Don't most of your friends already have divorced parents?
Yeah, but I don't.
Well, now you do.
- I think you're doing a foolish thing. - I understand how unhappy you are.
I'm unhappy too. And I don't want you or Frank...
...to blame yourself for any of this.
It has nothing to do with you.
It's okay. Go back to sleep.
- Are those your books? - Yes. These are my books.
Why are they going under my bed?
Because I bought them, and I don't wanna lose them.
We'll put them back on the shelf when your father leaves.
Until things are certain, we shouldn't say anything to anyone yet.
- Why? - Because we never know.
And I don't want people to know our business.
I told Carl.
- Already? - I called him last night.
I also told Matt and Dale.
And Dale? Shit, now everyone will know. Jesus, Frank.
- Mom says we should tell people. - Mom doesn't go to school.
Stop crying.
- Joint custody blows. - I was told it's better.
It's miserable. My parents didn't wanna uproot me and Rebecca.
So we stayed in the house. They took separate apartments...
...and switched off coming to us. Then my mom met Dexter.
My dad freaked out.
And then they sold the house, and I go back and forth anyway.
God, joint custody blows.
Thanks. Yeah, I forgot to take these. She has a few of my books still.
She wrote her maiden name in them when she knew we were splitting.
But these were mine.
- Are you and Walt stealing from Mom? - These were mine, Frank.
Watch it! Jesus!
Hey, brother. Walt.
Bernard, Joan says you have a check for me.
She said that? No, tennis is hers.
Our separation agreement says she handles tennis and winter coats.
- I do sneakers and camp. - Okay. I'll take it up with her.
Walt.
Ivan's a bit of a half-wit, isn't he?
It was important to me to have a place like your mother's.
I'm gonna cook and run the household like you're used to.
- This is nothing like our house. - You mean, your mother's house.
- What? - This isn't like your mother's house.
- That's what I said. - You said, "Our house."
That's your mother's house. This is your house too.
- No, this is your house. - It's our house.
I hate Nastase. You know that. Ivan met Nastase and said he was an asshole.
- Well, I couldn't find Vitas Gerulaitis. - I have a Vitas poster at home.
At Mom's. And all my turtles.
We can get some turtles. I know you like amphibians.
Turtles are reptiles.
Here's a desk for you to do your homework.
Dad, this is for a lefty.
Dad got me a lefty desk.
Don't be difficult. We need to be supportive of Dad.
- I hate it here. - Don't be a chick.
- You can get a righty desk later. - Why do I want a desk at home?
I don't want a chalkboard or a bell going off every 45 minutes either.
- He likes being with us. - He likes having us in the house.
You got books. I didn't get books.
Because these are the books Dad knows I like.
- I wanna go back to Mom's. - Why? She caused this, chick.
- I'm not "chick." - Yes, you are.
- Chick, this is Mom's doing. - Stop calling me chick!
Mom told us they'd never get divorced. So Mom's a liar.
Fuck! That hurt!
I'm not being a chick, you fucking ass man.
You're hurting me, really hurting me.
One turtle would've made a difference.
You live in Park Slope, right?
My mom does. And I do sometimes.
I live on the other side of the park half the time.
- Prospect Heights? - I'm not sure.
The street's Stratford Road. My dad's moving there.
I hear it's the fillet of the neighborhood.
- You like Franz Kafka? - I don't know him.
He's great. The Metamorphosis is a masterpiece.
- Sounds good. - Yeah, it is.
- Have you read This Side of Paradise? - No, but it's minor Fitzgerald.
- Is it? I loved it. - It's a minor work.
Gatsby is his masterpiece. And Tender is the Night is dazzling.
Last Tycoon, had he finished it...
I hope you like it. Your notes were awesome, Bernard.
I loved your idea for the change in tense at the end.
It could be the coup of the story.
I reread A Hunger Artist on your suggestion and stole a couple things.
- See if you can spot them. - Good story to steal from.
- Fuck! - Frank.
Sorry.
How long were you and Mom not getting along?
A couple of years. I thought we would work it out.
I wanted to. I tried. As you know, I tried very hard.
- Your mother wasn't interested in that. - Why not?
- I think it has very little to do with me. - Shit! Fucker!
- Frank! - She could never make up her mind.
She'd pull away and then get angry at me for not being more aggressive.
Her affair with Richard made it difficult for me...
...to save the marriage. It became a fait accompli.
- Affair? - With Richard.
- Who's Richard? - A man from the neighborhood.
I think she met him at one of Frank's Little League games. A shrink.
Seems sort of like an ordinary guy. Not an intellectual.
- How long was she having the affair? - About four years.
- You're kidding. - No. I thought you knew this.
No. No.
Fuck that cock shit!
Frank, you gotta relax, my brother.
- Hey, Mom. - Hey, honeys.
- What are you doing? - Just changing things around a bit.
I've come by to tell you I'm not staying here anymore.
- Why? - You know why.
- I don't. - Frank, do you know why?
- No. - Why don't you tell me?
Because you cheated on Dad.
How did you hear that?
- Your father told you. - Yeah, he told me.
Why did you, Mom?
I was having a hard time.
Where were we during this? Did you bring men home?
Not while... Not...
Not when your father was in town.
You actually met Richard, both you boys.
He came over for takeout once.
You talked about the Stones.
Oh, God. Under our noses. Like a brothel. Men coming in and out.
- Shut up. - Lf you want me to explain, I will.
- I don't wanna hear it. - I do.
Walt doesn't, so I won't say anything.
- Walt can leave. - You disgust me.
You weren't even a writer until recently.
You bailed on Dad because he's not successful and hasn't got recognition.
- You sound like your father. - I'm glad. You disgust me.
You're being a shit, Walt.
- I'm taking the cat. - You can't have him. It's his night here.
Okay, you can kiss me now.
No, the moment's ruined.
- I'll go sneak up and surprise Chrissy. - It's not her birthday.
She also had an affair with some therapist.
- I don't wanna know. - And Otto's father, Don.
- Otto's father? - Yeah, but it's over.
She said the affairs have been miserable for her.
She's dating now, but nothing serious.
She's crazy. She should keep her affairs to herself.
- I'm not going back. - You have to, joint custody.
Fuck joint custody.
- Is Mom letting you drink soda? - Beer.
- Since when do you drink beer? - Since recently.
You think Don and she did it?
- I don't wanna think about it. - Imagine Don's dick in Mom's mouth.
- Who are you? Stop it. - Do you think they do that?
- You think she gets anal sex from Don? - Stop, okay.
It's disgusting.
Don't.
- We have the same bone structure. - No.
You have your dad's features.
Really?
- Fuck it. - Frank.
- I thought I had your bone structure. - No.
You're ugly.
Pickle, why would you say that?
Because I think it's true. I think Carl thinks you're ugly.
I'm not though, sweetie.
- I found out something last night. - What's that?
That your dad was fucking my mom.
- What? - You heard me.
Supposedly going on for a year or so about two years ago.
- I'm so horrified by this. - Thanks.
No, I don't mean by your mom. She's very attractive.
It was just an affair. A fuck. We're not gonna be brothers.
She said your dad's pretty fucked up with women.
Why'd she sleep with him then?
I don't know.
Because she's an asshole.
I read The Metamorphosis. You were right, it's great.
Yeah. So bizarre. What do you think is happening at the end, with the sister?
Yeah, I think she's...
- I mean, it's ambiguous, really. - Yeah.
I mean, it's gross when he turns into a bug...
...but I love how matter-of-fact everything is.
Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.
- Because it's written by Franz Kafka. - Right.
- No, I mean, clearly. - It would have to be.
You're shoving the whole tongue in me.
No, it's okay. Just do it a little... Like, little licks.
- Like this? - Yeah.
I wish you didn't have so many freckles on your face.
Not really, though.
I'm feeling kind of feverish.
- Do we have any Tylenol? - I don't know.
- I didn't see any. - Then there isn't any.
Can we get some?
- Is this enough? - Get a small one.
Three fifty-seven.
- I don't have enough money. - Okay.
- I got it. - You have any change?
Wanna play Ping-Pong?
- I'm gonna lie down. - One game.
- Fucking shit. - Nineteen-7.
Have you given more thought to what you're interested in?
Come on.
You have to try. It's no fun for me if you don't try.
- I wanna be a tennis pro like lvan. - You don't wanna be a tennis pro.
- Why not? - It's not serious.
I mean, McEnroe. Borg is an artist. It's like dance.
Connors has a brilliance. But at lvan's level...
Ivan is fine, but he's not a serious guy.
- He's a philistine. - What's a philistine?
It's a guy who doesn't care about books or interesting films and things.
Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.
- Then I'm a philistine. - No.
You're interested in books and things. Liked The Wild Child when we saw it.
Lots of people liked that movie.
No, I'm a philistine.
When am I going to meet the famous Sophie?
I don't know. She's not gorgeous, but she's cute.
You have plenty of time to sleep with gorgeous women.
Goddamn it!
They fell on the floor.
When my first novel came out, I had a lot of opportunities.
I was with your mother, so I didn't partake.
I've never had an affair with a student, though many have come on to me.
That's why you might not wanna be attached at your age.
It sounds like Sophie's good for now.
- Why'd you yell, "Goddamn it"? - I burned myself.
The cutlets are great. Dad, did you hear from that agent?
- Not yet. - But if he likes your novel...
...then you get it published. - Basically.
What happened to your old agent, Fred?
He pissed me off.
Made a disparaging remark about the Knicks at a party.
Said they played like thugs. I found it offensive.
He's kind of a jerk.
It was important to your mother that I achieve...
...some sort of commercial success.
And when I didn't meet her expectations in that area...
You're going to witness a Greenberg family tradition.
Friday night Chinese at Hunan Palace. I hope you're prepared.
- Hey. - Hey.
Why'd you let go of my hand?
- What? - When we passed Wendy, you let go.
I didn't realize.
Walt, anything you'd like to order?
I'm happy to have the same amount of dishes as people.
It's always one dish less the number of people.
That's our family tradition, not ordering enough food.
- That's funny. Oh, he's funny, Sophie. - I know.
- You're early. - Hi, Joan.
- Don't feed him the generic stuff. - What?
Frank says you're feeding the cat generic food.
Get Purina, it's what he likes.
- It's the same damn thing. - It's not, but...
He's my cat too.
Remember when he got stuck in a wall in New Hampshire and I rescued him?
- I know how to handle him. - It was a radiator.
- What? - He got stuck in a radiator.
You trimmed your beard.
Yeah, it was starting to get a little feral.
- You look well. - Yeah?
- Thanks. - Things are good here.
Teaching is going well.
And I'm playing the best tennis of my life.
Maybe that's an illusion...
...but it feels that way.
That's good.
I was thinking we should sit together at Walt's performance next month.
- Okay. - It'd be nice for him...
...if we're both there together.
Maybe we could all go out afterwards.
I don't know. Maybe.
Okay, maybe.
I think he's getting good at guitar.
I know.
The stuff he's writing is really wonderful.
- Have you met his girlfriend? - No. He talks about her...
...with me, though. - Good.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't...
...tell him about things like Richard.
My father told me you called him.
I did, yeah.
He said you...
- He said you were upset. - Yeah.
I wanted to...
I like him.
You know that.
I just wanted to say... I don't know.
I just wanted to say hello.
He called me right after. He said:
"Bernie, I think you can save your marriage."
I told him...
...I didn't think there was anything else I could do.
I did try everything.
Bye, Bernard.
Bernard?
I was wondering if you knew of any apartments.
I'm being kicked out of my sublet.
Unless I, I don't know, blow the super, I'm out on my ass.
Oh, I don't. No.
I guess you don't know either, huh?
No.
I have an extra room in my house. You could stay till you find something.
You wouldn't have to blow your super.
I guess...
- I'd hate to put you out. - No, no.
- Or your kids. - No. No.
The Mother and the Whore.
- Looks like a cool movie. - A classic.
- I had it in my room. - Bathroom is across the hall.
You'll share with the kids. They can use mine.
I don't care. As long as Walt remembers to put the seat down.
Thank you, Bernard. Thank you, Walt.
- Joan says you don't like your sheets. - They're fine.
And you disapprove of the food I feed the cat.
You should tell me these things, not her.
- Fuck! - Fifteen.
Fifteen-20.
- Motherfucker! - My serve.
- I wasn't ready. - Yes, you were.
Frank, I was not ready.
This is Mother Hubbard. There is nothing to eat or drink. No soda.
- We're not allowed soda. - Goddamn it!
I guess there's two kinds of parents:
Those who allow soda and sugar cereal, and those who don't.
We're not supposed to use paper towels to wipe our hands. Cloth is for that.
You're cute.
Thanks.
I don't believe this shit.
- Shit! - Good game.
It's hard to beat your father.
Hey!
- Watch it! - Suck my dick, ass man.
- Where you going? - The movies.
And then to a party with Sophie.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
Frank won't leave his room. He's being difficult.
You wanna come to the movie?
Okay.
Not the party, but the movie.
So we were thinking Short Circuit.
Blue Velvet is supposed to be quite interesting.
I love you! Love me!
He put his disease in me.
Tell me it's all right. I opened myself to you.
No.
Stop, Frank.
No.
A student of mine writes very racy short stories you might like.
She has one that chronicles her vagina.
- Dad. - That sounds interesting.
Very feminist, but very interesting.
Frank, I'm back.
Frank?
- What were you doing? - I was going to Mom's.
You don't do that on my night. Ever. You hear me?
- Yes. - I'm your father.
You listen to what I say.
- But you were out. - It's still my night, damn it.
Okay, okay.
Shit! Someone's taken my space.
- Goddamn it. Son of a bitch. - Sorry.
Frank!
Hello?
Frank, what are you doing here? It's not your night with me.
- I don't wanna look like Dad. - Looks aren't everything.
It's not your night with me, sweetie.
- Did you have a party? - I celebrated.
Knopf is publishing my novel. Pickle, you should be at your dad's.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I need some nights without you guys sometimes.
What's up, brother?
Nothing.
Hello?
He just took off and went to your mother's. It's my night, he knows that.
You think we could ease up on whose night is whose?
I wanna see you guys. I love you.
Did you like Sophie?
Yeah. I think she's fine. Is she a Knicks fan?
I don't know.
- You think she's pretty? - Sure, yeah.
But she's not the type I go for.
You just have to decide if you wanna be attached.
It's good to play the field at your age.
Lili is pretty.
Would you go ring the bell? I hate walking up those steps.
It's very uncomfortable for me. Very painful.
I used to live in this house.
As you know.
Your dad and Walt are here. They're gonna take you back to Bernard's.
- I'll be right out. - I'm sorry about...
I'm sorry about your seeing lvan like this.
I would've liked to have told you before you saw him.